Ahhhh, deal breakers. I love this phrase. It’s so cool and casual. So unemotional. I think knowing your deal breakers is helpful for keeping your head on straight when your little heart is going pitter patter about someone new… they keep you honest. Deal breakers aren’t personal. They’re just things you know you can’t tolerate in a partner…habits, behaviors, characteristics, etc. The older I get, the longer my list of deal breakers has become. Consequently, my pool of eligible men has shrunk. A lot. At this point, out of the 7.6 billion people on the planet (of which, around 3.8 billion are men), there might be 2 or 3 who do not possess any of my deal breakers.
Conservatively.
If you stick to your guns and hold out for someone who doesn’t violate your core deal breakers, the search for a partner can become increasingly difficult, especially as you get older. But that’s a helluva lot better than settling for someone who makes you miserable down the road. They’re called “deal breakers” for a reason. They break the deal. They end the relationship. They’re the things you can’t — and shouldn’t — compromise on.
The love goggles can cause problems when it comes to deal breakers. Just as those nasty little blinders can lead us to excuse behaviors or qualities that we wouldn’t normally tolerate, they can also lead us to overlook more serious, deal-breaking traits. That’s why it’s important to make a list of your deal breakers as objectively as possible, when you’re not in a relationship. If you haven’t already sat down and physically written out a list of your “can’t stands,” I strongly suggest you do so. Put it in writing and commit to it. When the love goggles start to cloud your vision, pull out your trusty little list to make sure you’re not overlooking something important.
Also, it’s totally okay to edit your list of deal breakers as you grow and change as a person…in fact, you should do this. Just stay honest with yourself throughout the process.
A few years ago, I was in a serious relationship with a divorcee who had a small child. I had dated divorced men before, and that wasn’t a deal breaker for me. But the kid was. However, I lied to myself about that one because I never added “has kid(s)” to my list. I felt like refusing to date someone with children would make me some sort of selfish, child-hating monster… so I compromised on something that I was knew was a deal breaker, but didn’t want to admit to myself.
About a year into the relationship, Mr. Non-Committal revealed to me that he “didn’t think” he’d ever want to remarry. His ex-wife had cheated on him, and although they seemed to have an amicable relationship (unsettlingly amicable, if you ask me… but that’s another story in itself), the failed marriage had scarred him so badly that he was afraid to risk it again.
Now, although I didn’t have “has children” on my list of deal breakers at the time, I had clearly spelled out “is still licking wounds of past relationships.” When we talked about it and I explained that, although I wasn’t sure I’d ever marry, I didn’t like knowing it was totally off the table, down the road, because of his past experience with another woman. In reality, what Mr. Noncommittal was really saying was “I don’t ever want to marry you, Jessica.” And I knew that. But instead of ending the relationship right there, I decided to float down a little river called Denial for a while. Another solid year.
Inevitably, the relationship ended. And it ended because he was still licking old wounds after another full year. I extended that relationship way beyond it’s shelf life so that by the time it ended, it had already begun to rot. Had I stayed true to my list and been honest with myself, that would have never happened. I could have been more objective about it, recognized this was a fundamental incompatibility, and moved on. There would have been much less heartache, had I done that.
So that’s the first part of this lesson: Know your deal breakers… and don’t compromise on them.
The second part is to discuss your deal breakers early on in the relationship. If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship, you’re not going to find it with someone who has some of your “can’t stands,” right? So why waste either party’s time trying to figure it out? Also, make sure you don’t possess any of your partner’s deal breakers. Get that shit out in the open. Lay your deal breakers on the table, and ask the person you’re dating to do the same. Out of simple respect for each other’s time, he or she shouldn’t be opposed to this. In fact, if that person is also looking for something serious, they’ll likely be impressed by your forwardness and honesty. You’ll save yourself a lot of time and heartache if you’re open and honest with yourself and others about your deal breakers from the start.
